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I'm not fit for the title of saint
For...I thrive with guilt and shame
I feel related to the fallen
I'd...be better off forgotten
Because it's growing on me
This...abomination of self-centered pity
I beg for the removal of my existence
Father...I don't wish to be a disappointment
I can't stand my broken flaws
I'm unlike any other angel of god
A soldier, a warrior- is what I am not
So allow me to let go of my cross
Even though it's all I've really got
But I realize that I will always be a lost cause
Emptiness fills every single thought / Hopelessness is what I have wrought
A clouded path I now walk / Reassura
My voice?I tried to smile,
laugh through the pain,
but it's been a while,
I think I'm insane.
I can't hear my own voice.
The one that says what I want.
Now I have no choice.
You never did, it taunts.
It tells me what I should say.
It tells me who I am.
It tells me everyday.
Am I the lion or the lamb?
Am I as weak as I feel,
or as strong as I pretend?
Am I cold and hard as steel,
or just waiting for it to end?
Who am I?
Do I really want to know?
I end with a sigh.
The voice is telling me to go.
TruthHow do you see me?
The way I give myself off?
The way I wish I could be?
The person is different,
They aren't me.
Maybe this, is what you see:
A girl obsessed with killing and gore,
Integrating herself with psychos,
A girl who's looking for blood, more and more;
A girl who enjoys creepy people out,
Smiling and threatening slow painful deaths,
Being loud, just to scream and shout;
A girl who wants horror and chills,
Watching gorey R-rated movies,
Just to give herself thrills;
A girl who takes violent music literally,
And uses them for future inspiration....
But that's not me. I'm sorry.
Let's revise that, the person you know,
To the litt
I'm Still LaughingIt really is quite funny.
How one second I'm in tears,
over how I don't know whether to live or die.
Then I'm making cruel cruel jokes about when I'm going to commit suicide.
I am true bitch.
An total shit.
I had a nap.
And woke up in the shittest mood.
Made me spill shit.
Then depressed and angry and pissed at myself.
Then fucking alone. Because I depend on my friends and have to talk 24/7 with them.
I have wanted to die for the past, what 4 months.
Full on poof, ding, pop, boom, gone.
But it's only resently I reaslised I'm too much of a parnoid piece of crap to kill myself.
No I'd have to go out and do everything under
Butterfly ScreamsIt's fun,
Watching me bleed?
Ignoring my needs?
Destroying who I am,
And all I'll ever be.
But you wouldn't stop,
That I can see.
The butterflies in my stomach,
Scream as the hurtful words
Pin them to corkboard.
I'll cut myself,
I'm gonna lay down,
And hear the butterflies scream.
"Don't even worry."
"I'm perfectly fine."
Words are sandpaper,
And a couple of lies.
So while I'm here,
Down on the floor;
Do your worst,
Your worst and more.
So I'll lay down,
Even when I'm gone,
The butterflies will still scream.
I Have Never Really Known YouI see you're hurting.
I try to help.
I can't reach you.
Can anyone else?
The one who loves you,
Does he hear your plea?
If anyone does,
It's not me.
I know you are strong,
But it's okay to be weak.
It's okay to fall down;
It's okay to be meek.
Before you fall,
In that briar patch,
You should know,
I have your back.
Soul Best Friends For Like,
Our time together,
Will never pass.
Jump off a bridge,
I'll get on my boat,
And save your ass.
I'm clean!I don't cut anymore!
Because I'm checked every night.
I don't even glance at sharp things!
Because my razor was taken away.
Because there's a lock on the liquor cabinet.
I don't even ask for a taste!
Because I'm not allowed in bars.
I'm off the medication!
Because it was hidden somewhere.
I don't even think about overdose!
Because I'm on antidepressants.
I don't bash my head into the wall!
Because there's a camera in my room.
The blood stains are faded!
Because a professional was hired to get the walls and floor clean.
I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore!
Because I'm on happypills.
I don't even try to kill myse
Dead at NightDead at night in my bed,
whispers fill my head.
I feel eyes lay upon a me,
but none that I can see.
Hiding underneath my covers,
I shift and I shudder.
My heart begins to race
for I have no safe place.
Beating drums start to play, they soon lead me astray.
I am their prey and they're at bay.
I blast the music to drown them out
but they blend with the beat and begin to shout.
The constant changes in their voices,
giving me endless choices.
With sounds, I am surrounded
as my thoughts get clouded.
Drums drumming, glass shattering,
the noise becomes quite flattering.
It becomes so soothing,
my will, am I losing..?
Darkness pulls me into a cool embrace.
It promises me something better than God's grace.
I know I shouldn't give in,
but I've felt so much chagrin...
I slowly fade away,
wishing my feelings no longer stayed.
The darkness eats
Invisible PainOh why, Invisible Pain, do you taunt me so..?
To remind me of the past..?
To remind me that I'm a burden..?
To show me I don't deserve love..?
To show me that I'm worthless..?
The shakes are back
The memories not forgotten
The aches have returned
The dreams have been crushed
The pain, however, still remains
The memories flood my mind
The blisters seem like only yesterday
Taken advantaged of appears not so long ago
The words and the faces show up everyday
I hurt those I love just by living
I am the reason for all the world's problems
My body aches with Invisible Pain
My tummy fills with an invisible hole
My arms sore from invisible chains
My heart is has reached its toll
I yearn for real pain… I yearn to be ignored… I pray to God to give me a painful death to make up for the pain I've caused… I wish to never had been born for now people suffer because of me
Safety FirstThe Fool returns
To prove his loyalty
What's his mark?
Would it be that I'd prefer a random kill as proof
Common of all unseasoned killers
Who come my way looking for revenge
But alas he is a fool
To kill me
The safety must be off first
As it is not-
RunI don't want to share,
though you say you care.
You hold out your hand,
but I'm too weak to stand.
Leave me, go.
I don't want to be your freak show.
Don't worry, I'm fine.
These cuts are not a sign.
I'll find a way out,
I don't need your pity or doubt.
This is not your fight.
I'll fight it alone, that's my right.
Run,run away fast.
This moment of clarity may not last.
Leave me before i cling back on.
before i realize that you'll be gone.
I don't need you, I know,
but soon my dependency will show.
Run, my dearest friend,
if you must, let my life come to an end.
Army Of UsA delightful pain strikes my chest,
Knowing that this pain will take a turn for the best.
The scars and attempts will once be no more,
Once we both notice what we're in for.
The awful past of us will no longer exist,
And will be a previous,
Mistake at least in our hearts.
Perhaps this time we will outsmart,
The one that tore us apart.
Her wretched heart would feed off of our pain,
Just as if she was the knife to my vein.
But I have thrown out such methods,
And all of the ballads,
I have written for you are never enough,
I have such a tough,
Time fitting every thought of you into one, two, or even three.
Little by little my sou
The voicesSometimes I wish to die.
Some I love to live.
Sometimes I want to cry,
others I'd rather laugh.
Sometimes rather uncomfortable,
and others rather cozy.
Today is that day
where i'd like to be 6 feet under,
to sob till I'm out of tears,
and uncomfortable to the fullest extent.
I cannot breathe,
for the air is too tight,
but i dare not cry out.
for fear that the voices will hear
You are simply my only true friend...poemWhen my emotions are locked,
I know I can rely on you
to listen to me.
You're the only one to understand
to give me a hand.
When I have a thought,
you will always help me
You don't even judge me for
who I am.
When the world leaves me,
I know you will stay besides me.
Oh how much I love you.
People come and go,
but you will forever
stay with me.
you are my only true friend....poem.
A Writers NotebookMy notes.
That is what my notebook reads at the very beginning, in my own crude writing.
But, these are not just normal notes.
These notes are the kind of notes that are too messy to type.
The puzzle pieces that create a masterpiece of words, each signed by me.
These are the things that make people wonder how my mind works- and if I have any sanity left within it.
These messy notes are written from pure inspiration, determination, and imagination.
These broken parts come together and create a world all my own, where I escape to every day.
It’s a world filled with color and vibrancy, much unlike the uneventful world around us.
Hey, can you hear me?"Hey!"
Staring straight ahead, right at a blank wall.
"Are you listening?"
"I said hi!"
Looking at the emptyness, yet seeing nothing at all.
"This is Earth to you!"
"Zoned out again?"
Last night, you almost lost you.
"Can you hear me?"
"I'm screaming in your ear!"
You've thought and sat there thinking, and you still don't know what to do.
"Are you going to respond?"
You fell so far, into your own mind.
But there were ones who would not leave you behind.
Confused, numb and empty, you turn the thoughts over in your head.
"I know you can hear me!"
"Please! Say something
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`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More